a bride

i have been a bride and i have been a bitch and i have watched the door close behind him.

i have learned some things.

and i won't fight your battles and i won't mend your wounds and i won't watch my days slip through the sunsets.

dance dance where ever you may be.

so christmas is almost here. it's been a year since ivan died and it's hard not to get caught in the grief but i don't want to lose christmas to suicide and nostalgia.
because i love christmas. love spending time with family and the smell of the christmas tree and the beautiful lights and cookies and bagels and the magic and the surprise with giving giving giving. i love going to the christmas revels with my family each year and filling stockings. i love everything about a time of year that celebrates love and kindness and peace on earth. because in my family that is what this time is about.

and i am lucky to have my family.

and i am so grateful that i don't have to have that other family tarnish my memories with their judgments and their hate ever again.

and so much is on the horizon for joe and i. where will we live? where will we go to school? a new home. time to lay roots. it is all so exciting.

and i will think of ivan and of those christmas eve's years ago and the bent cards with my name misspelled that he would give me and that i still have in my top desk drawer. and i will bake cookies and watch christmas movies with joe in the home we have fought hard to make real and warm and safe for us.

i like believing for a month each year in peace on earth and the loveliness of being a child.

holiday cheer

i love christmas. i have always loved christmas.

i don't know why now it just makes me feel sad.