i have lost friends. dear, best, perfect, soft-skin friends. lost dreams and lost legs. i have lost breaths and favorite pens. but i have never lost, i have never missed someone like i miss ivan. it is deeper than my skin. it's an ache deeper than my bones. and it's not crushing, not new, it doesn't keep me from having fun or getting things done but it doesn't go away. it doesn't get less. it follows me. it's become a part of who i am.
i carry this loss like i carry my courage. close against my chest. it terrifies me. but i can't let go.
and i feel him with me all the time. look up at him when i get spit on or when the ground caves in. he follows me and i never knew if i believed in any of these things but he is with me when i look and he is beside me when i look away.
like a guardian angel or a omnipresent best friend or like he always has been. just quietly listening until he knew it was time and that i was ready to let him make me laugh again.
