i don't like the way i feel on morphine. that rush people talk about. that rush people like. it feels the way that i imagine dying would feel. and my muscles tense up and hurt. and those hospital smells. that get into your clothes. that soap they use. the memories. and one size does not fit all. not ever. i get so lost in those gowns. can't tie them tight enough to cover me. and i miss my heating pad. and i hate being npo. it makes me dream of eggplant parm and mac and cheese and all these things i might never get to actually eat again. if it really is scar tissue hanging out inside of there.
i don't mind the blood tests or the ultra sounds or drinking lidocaine but my mouth gets dry from the drugs. and they don't let me drink any water. and it makes me dizzy when they wheel my bed so fast. and my veins are scared and bruised and tired. and i wish there was more than broth for me to eat.
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