i can't believe it's already july. yesterday i spent the better part of the day clutching a heating pad not even able to keep water down. i seriously thought i was going to die. today, a little better. joe is cooking us dinner. the house smells good. chopin. sunlight coming in the window. the buzz of the air conditioner and jenckes next to me on the bed. we are going to the cape for the weekend. starting tomorrow. i wish we were going for a week. i always get the creepiest feeling when i am home from work sick. too many years of sick days and i can't appreciate that yay-daytime-t-v because instead all i feel is oh-my-god-will-it-ever-end. it takes so little to push me over that line into that falling feeling where i am afraid to walk down the street waiting for that next thing.
and i want to breath and believe. and i am trying to meditate and let go and find my balance. i just guess i didn't realize how long forever can be and now that i am past feeling lucky to be alive i am having to really learn to expect and accept the way my life will now always be. it's like i am always surprised when my leg goes numb and i can't walk or my stomach doesn't work or my heart gets all bumpy in the heat. and it's not something i have to get through. it's something i have to live with. sit next to. learn to embrace.
and some days that is hard for me to do.
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