first day jitters

i guess it's kinda like that first day of school again... for some reason the prospect of my first lsat class tonight is making me anxious. like real time anxious. like that walking-through-a-movie-set feeling kinda anxious. where my house feels weird and i can't sleep. maybe it's cause i am getting over being sick. that way that i get sick since my accident (you know - joe's three days of sniffles are my ten days of a fever) that makes me sometimes entertain defeat. like how can i work a career in this half rate body i walk in. and this class is for that test that will get me into some school that is gonna change my life. and i don't even want a harvard degree. don't even need that kind of degree... for what i want suffolk would be okay. but still.

and things with joe have been so lovely. talking all night. telling eachother everything.

and when i looked at my legs last night in bed my left leg was alarmingly smaller than my right. like the legs belonged on two different humans.

that's the thing. this is just the way my life will be.

summer fevers

it's true i was feverish for ten days. by the end i felt like i was losing my mind. those dreams. those colors. all that soup.

but there was something nice about that quiet time. playing board games with joe and laughing at the stupid things we would say and do. it felt like being in a tent for a week. all cuddled up watching documentaries and reading books and singing songs about junk food and kissing.

but that's alright cause i love the way you lie....

i did. i loved him. i always let it go. because when he saw me it was clearer than i ever saw myself. that was ivan. my lighthouse. my candle light. my full moon. mygod. i could scream all night and still it wouldn't be enough. still you wouldn't know. still it would be too silent for the things i am trying to keep inside for you.

of course i have a line.

you live on it. spit, jump, punch at it. you rub my nose in it. but i stand here still. i stand here proud. i watch the sky and i believe you know as well as i the difference between wrong and right.

re:(stitution)(tribution)

fuck that family. fuck those "friends".

i bite my tongue
i make excuses for the followers. your church friends and cousins.
i can only imagine the things you say. i don't want to know those people who keep your company. no one like you could ever be like me.

what i meant to say all those years though is that i hate you.
you are incredibly unattractive people. outside and in.
you disgust me.

the ways you talk of me while all those years you beat him. did you know his therapist said you were toxic. narcissists. almost sadistic with the things you did. did you know a professional told him to limit contact with you. perhaps its because you walked around naked in front of your 20 year old son. or the names you called him. or the father fists making things come undone. the years you gave christmas presents to everyone but him. how can you call yourself christian and then treat us that way? judge so many?

you called us names for trying to make it work while teen after teen in your family had babies. how does that work? how were we the heathens?

you called me a temptation of the devil, left your crazy religious bull shit in our car, my fathers car, on our computer. i honestly think you are crazy. outside and in.

and you pretend now to know me/us/your son/what happened. he saw my family before yours on christmas. he has not slept in your house in three years. maybe four. you have seen him less than a handful of times in two years. he is sick and broken and angry because of you. he might even hate you. that is why we didn't tell you anything. let you find out from friends of friends on facebook. that must have been humiliating but perhaps you finally listened when he said 'it's not me it's you. it's them.'

so don't say my name one more time.
or i don't care. my god also has plans for you.

thailand

home sick with a summer fever and a more-fucked-up-than-originally-anticipated hand and in these moments of novel reading and plan b planning i imagine myself alone on distant shores eating with strangers and forgetting to be afraid of things. of the easiest times when no one is there for you and you don't have to wonder cause you know you are alone. and sleeping close to best friends in matching cami's and mirabelle has the best laugh and i have been sicker sunk lower and believed more grotesque lies.

i will pass my life like i pass my time thankful but burdened by this gift of living.

prayers

all i could think when i closed my eyes was

please help me.

finger licking good

yeah, so, i sprained my pointer finger and i am allergic to pretty things like flowers but the humidity has lifted and we - joe and i have gotten through so much and i spent friday at walden pond just feeling the sun on my face and eating grapes with a good friend. i am actually excited for my lsat class and then to have the rest of the seasons to just relax and be happy with the days because the next stuff is ready when we're done.

(joe has the softest hands and the wisest eyes and tells me things i don't want to hear but need to know like eat-eat-eat and the summer always reminds me of those younger days hanging around in beach dunes and main street doorways with those forever friends that i will never see marry because they are dead or worse yet dead-to-the-world so i feel trapped in time remembering remembering and wishing we could meet up now all grown and wise and beautiful. i think they would have had things to say that i would want to hear if they could have just held their breath or learned to tread water shoulder touching sun & shine).