caught up

i am so type a. so apt to get caught up. got so absorbed in the frenzy of top scores and top schools and top tests and with getting back to the place i thought i would be in that life, that world, that place i lived before. i almost forgot that i don't want that thing anymore. i have spent five years finding balance and peace.

i want to reach for the stars still.

but different ones.

law school, yes. but one where i can grow and reach without all that go-go-go. 'cause in that environment i will be the best. i can't help but compete. and i have made the choice to leave that game.

so we are talking about maine again/still. a school that focuses on making a difference in the world. where i can bake and knit and breath.

i have worked hard for this life i have now. this pace.

and i don't want to leave.

angry

so today was the liver walk where i took my tired ass lsat studying bad leg dragging body to walk and raise money and try to feel hope that we can get this research going keep it up do it in time for my dad. we don't have endless time.

and i felt alone and angry and broken.

and you were not there. and i don't want you here again.

proof

i wanted to pick apples off of trees.

you wanted to throw apples at me.

stress

applying to law school is stressful. i spend over 15 hours a week in LSAT prep class each week on top of my 40 hours a week at my job and then in my free time - well - that's when i do my practice problems. timed tests, logic games, reading comp practice. i read the new york times and spend my train time solving logic riddles.

i have started dreaming logic games. toss and turn trying to figure out which class anna is in if brenda and carla are in geometry and dana and elaine are in history and if carla is in geometry then ann can not be in history and oh my god.

i need a break.

so i have been riding my bike alot. 8 miles a night. it helps me breath.
and i have decided that i am not going to run for the train. there will always be another one. and maybe a chance to sit and wait will be good for me. and i am not going to clean my house. i am not going to have dinner guests or go out of my way out of obligation.

instead i am letting joe make me dinner. i am sleeping in.

this shit is big but its not bigger than joe or me or a cozy saturday cup of coffee.

or the prison shows we watch on sunday where we laugh and lounge and dream about the lives we will change when we finally do this thing.

you belong with me

this has been a lot of work.


& he is so dead.

i tried so hard to stop this.
i miss my old friends.

and this afternoon i cried to my ipod
singing 'please mr. postman'

the things i would give
to have those things.

nantucket

after four days of kayaking and bike rides and eating nothing but lobster and fish (lobster nachos, lobster mashed potatoes...) it is seriously hard to be home. lsat studying is going well. i am immersed. i dream it. i will do my best. but work has been busy and i get home so late and sometimes i sit on my bed and cry and joe rubs my back and makes me rice with beans and salsa.

i wish i didn't have to work my job right now.

weird shit is happening there.

want to work against the man, not for him.

the man blows hard.

soon it won't be so humid and hot. joe will be writing stats on genzyme basketball games and playing his electronica while i brush my teeth. my test will be done. i will come home and drink pinot grigio instead of doing logic games.