i realized i was wrong.

the doctor was saying they could have fixed the nerves that night way back when if they weren't too busy saving my life. the doctor was saying that maybe they could stop the new nerve damage that is happening now from scar tissue from getting worse than it already is.

he was saying sorry kid, your accident sounds horrible, and now i don't know how to tell you it could get worse.

i get it. i saw more doctors. i hear you.

hope

today for the first time in the nearly seven years since my accident a neurologist alluded to the possibility of nerve repair for my leg. he didn't say it was possible but he said there were steps we could take to see what our options were. but his sentences ended with hope and possibility he used words like options and understanding.

i had given up hope on that kind of recovery years ago. i was told that was not possible.

while i am scared of the light i can't help but lean towards the fresh air tumbling through this newly opened window.

love stories

so i'm not always one for love stories. always wonder what comes next. there's always more. it never ends with girl meets guy. god knows i have run circles around strangers asking them to be more than they can. have tried to let his love somehow turn into my love. have wasted my time trying to make something work because it seemed easier than actually making a bet that i could lose.

today it's defiantly autumn. with a chill but without the wind. i have packed lifetimes into this year. folded up relationships that have rightfully failed (you don't need to make the wrong size fit__). a friend who actually put a gun to his head. pushing forward without two solid legs to stand on (though we shall see - maybe surgery can fix that).

after all these trial runs. the false starts. the early endings. i am ready to move towards my real life at last.

i have found the love that i stopped believing could happen. i find myself laughing so hard i forget to feel scared. and my house is a lot less clean than it once was. my emails longer unanswered. but for all the crying and relying i do, i have never felt better prepared.

doctors are annoying

and so are nurses that don't listen. or open your file and read it before they speak.

i mean really. i shouldn't have to say "i need you to really hear what i am saying right now" to get the nurse to really hear what i am saying.

i am the expert witness to my body.

don't try to tell me.

10 months yesterday

and its like each day i wake up, i get dressed, i get my coffee and i pick up that grief and i hoist it on my back and carry it with me. it goes everywhere i go. and it is heavy.



tomorrow i take the lsats. then i move forward. following dreams. and as i think about where i have been, where i will come, what i came from...

it's hard to believe that an entire group of friends is dead or dying. a few of us made it. but the drugs won hard in that contest. and my best friend and my best boy both chose heroin over me.

i never thought.

it gets better

some times i get so sad when i see the ways our society beats people up. how it doesn't matter what you do. sometimes it is what you don't do.

all these gay youth suicides.

any suicide.

ivan.

it breaks my heart the ways we let the world take down our youth.

i want this to stop. i want to wrap my arms around them and grieve for the world. the little girls on teen mom, the gay youth who can't take it any more, ivan and his drugs, your friend and their drinking. it's everywhere. it's everyone.

so today i want to just remind myself, to remind you, to take a minute to really see the people around you.

lets remind eachother it gets better. and lets believe that it is true.


http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject

The Trevor Project:
1-866-4-U-TREVOR
1-866-4-8-87386