ugly side

i have seen your ugly side. i have watched you punch holes through the boards and the beds and the places i lay my head. i have watched you drown things that didn't even belong to you. i have held my breath for days on end.

you took things from me that i didn't even know i had to give. you broke things in me that i didn't even know could break.

i have spent nights pacing the halls waiting for you to take it back. i made myself small. i have closed my eyes and opened them again and again waiting to see something else but its always the same old thing again and again.

you gone. me here.

the sound of a gun and your head.

i promised things to myself before. i will make those promises again.

you know the ones.

don't live in fear. don't let it control you. it's not your fault. it will get better.

those mantras that i want to believe. that i want to live. that i almost felt but there is always something. and there always will be.

that's just the things isn't it. if its not your dysfunction, it is mine. and i never realized until very very recently how lucky i have been my whole life to have this family that i have and not yours. and maybe i don't have my health but i have my will and bygod it's stronger than alot of what they have got.

i have seen your ugly side. and i have mine. and i will sit in this quiet place for the rest of our time. i didn't want you to leave. i didn't mean to let you be anything but fine/mine.