Thursday, December 8, 2011

i would trade any of you for him.

my life is not the same as it was before he died. there is something about each day that feels gritty and i can't wash it off my skin. it has been two years since i have heard his voice. two years since i have known that kind of love. two years since i have had something i could count on for real and forever. ivan was for real. ivan was forever.

this is something else.

like even after all this time sometimes my breath catches - can it be. can these things die?

when people take parts of themselves they take part of you.

the air has grown thin. i find myself reaching above. i find myself clawing the sheets at night.

it is hard for me to make peace with this because i am so furious i can't sleep or breath.

i can't sleep or breath.

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