Sweet sweet jane

Do you surrender do you let it pull you under do you save yourself or do you always have to drown just to prove you really tried. You really tried.

Growing

We all have been doing some growing. The keepsakes the name sakes the history-repeating-itself-type-mistakes. It is never the same, these stories we repeat. We run circles and remember the good times somewhere knowing there is more than a little make believe in the memories we are inventing.

Winning!

Sometimes, you can't win.  Even with the best cards/pick.  First I am upset they want to put me in the hospital, then I am scared when they decide I don't have to. 

I really do like my job

but
still

I loved law school.

It's hard to give it up.  I toy with going back.  I was good at it.  I liked it.
But I know it makes no sense.

Like as it is they already told me my pregnancy will be high risk.

For me.

And I know I couldn't do that and law school and I only have so much time. 

But lately it bums me out. 
I feel like talking less and less.  I just need a break from all this real world/life stuff.

And I had to call 911 on a client I found covered head to toe in her own blood.  And it brought me back to my accident all those years ago.  I could feel the sensation of that hot blood pouring down my legs.  The terror that brings when they tell you to say goodbye.

And she is okay.  She was lucky in ways that I was not though I am lucky still.

And what is luck but some lame way that people try to make things that aren't okay - okay.

It is May.  I turned 34 years old.  I celebrated life for a friend whose little boy has cancer and is fighting and everyone was there but those of us that didn't make it.  And my heart ached for Ivan and Chip and Melinda.  And my heart ached for my friend and her little boy.

And I don't always believe in hope.

Though I hope it finds it's way back to me.

A little less

Without you, things like birthdays matter a little less. The hurt I blamed you for in your life fills the crack in my foundation - the weight of the hurt I feel in your death. So yesterday I ate cake and opened presents and before bed I pressed the yellow and pink flowers on the birthday card you gave me when I was sixteen against the palm of my hand. Trace the letters you wrote with my pointer finger. Nothing much. But it's everything I have left of you now.

Starting

Starting over. Toggle buttons and password hints. It never comes easy or always does. If you stop talking I will stop too. It's not like anything is really forever if you don't mean it and do it and push on through.

matrimony

there is no time like the present.

forgive and forget.

fake it til you make it.

and a bunch of other bull shit sayings that don't really work
like

we do.

by-gones

let's let by-gones be.

the days are staying bright and the sun is finally warming me.

spent a day at the park watching little league games and eating ice cream truck treats.

mostly things are just the way i have always wanted them to be.


mostly there is peace when i turn my face from my pillow when the morning time comes.

it is not always easy, the living.   (and) why did we all think it was supposed to be....

inherently

last night i dreamt that i was at my family's cabin in the woods of the cape only instead of the peace that i usually feel, there were stray tigers watching us in the night, dark shadows lurking, my father standing outside the door not wearing his glasses with blood on his hands, his face covered in bruises.  it was terrifying.  and i called to my dad and i saw his hand on the screen door, the bloody print it left. 

but when he came inside he was smiling and he lead me out the door to the sky outside and the stars were the brightest i had ever seen and i could see every constellation as clear as it were that iphone app that draws it out for you and the strangers in the woods turned into cousins who have grown their entire lives on the same street as I and the tigers were gone and in their place my sister, my mother, my nana glo.  and the blood print was still on the door and i don't know how my dad had fallen but we just stood there together, he and I, watching the sky and I didn't have to feel even the slightest bit scared (scarred) anymore.