Winning!

Sometimes, you can't win.  Even with the best cards/pick.  First I am upset they want to put me in the hospital, then I am scared when they decide I don't have to. 

I really do like my job

but
still

I loved law school.

It's hard to give it up.  I toy with going back.  I was good at it.  I liked it.
But I know it makes no sense.

Like as it is they already told me my pregnancy will be high risk.

For me.

And I know I couldn't do that and law school and I only have so much time. 

But lately it bums me out. 
I feel like talking less and less.  I just need a break from all this real world/life stuff.

And I had to call 911 on a client I found covered head to toe in her own blood.  And it brought me back to my accident all those years ago.  I could feel the sensation of that hot blood pouring down my legs.  The terror that brings when they tell you to say goodbye.

And she is okay.  She was lucky in ways that I was not though I am lucky still.

And what is luck but some lame way that people try to make things that aren't okay - okay.

It is May.  I turned 34 years old.  I celebrated life for a friend whose little boy has cancer and is fighting and everyone was there but those of us that didn't make it.  And my heart ached for Ivan and Chip and Melinda.  And my heart ached for my friend and her little boy.

And I don't always believe in hope.

Though I hope it finds it's way back to me.