back to black

here we are again. that time of the month. when no matter how slow i breath i can't shake the death. ivan invades me. subtle things. coming across his number in my phone. hearing a woman at the conference complain about a "sentimental" resident who has boxes of "clutter" because her son died and she won't get rid on any piece of him... and i turned to my co-worker beside me and said "if someone asked me to throw one thing ivan gave me away i would punch them in the face". i carry his high school i.d. in my purse. sometimes i just reach in and feel the stiff plastic on my hands and it comforts me. just to know that at one time he touched that corner of plastic, knowing that he gave that to me at a time when he loved me, knowing that no one can take that from me.

and i am alone here. and i don't want to network or mingle or watch tv. and i am having a hard hard day.

thank you.

it struck me as i was driving up to connecticut for a conference i am attending for work how hard life can be. how far it is from anything you imagined it would be. how you could never have guessed that both your parents would die, or that a carelessly placed wine glass could threaten to take all your blood, or that your first love would grow up to shoot himself in the head. could never guess you'd get engaged twice before you were thirty and married then divorced too. you thought you'd have better judgment or that you would know it when you were in love (you know it now).

i don't know how i got here. i wouldn't go anywhere else. cause this shit is hard but i am trudging my way through and i am on the brink of the whitest light. the softest breaths. peace will come. and life is so hard but it is also so beautiful. breath-taking really.

hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, all this fighting to live and grow that we all do. mygod. it knocks me right over some days. knowing the things that we all go through. the way that each of you has woven your ways into my very skin. my toes. how i feel you. how you carry me. how it all gets harder and clearer and easier to let go. to accept the journey. to know that you will never know.

and i am doing my best. you are. and the love. this love. is all i've ever wanted to know.

Battles

Hilary: 1 Blue Cross: 0.

But the war has not been won. And I am tired of the fighting. Of spending my days split between ultra sounds, lab tests, and calls to doctors, pharmacies and blue cross. This is not my job. This is not how I want to spend my days. And I confess I have gotten so fed up I find myself flying off the handle the second that voice on the phone starts rattling their Blue Cross Bull Shit. "Who are YOU to tell my DOCTOR what medication is best for ME." That sort of thing.

I don't want to feel so angry.

And it can't help this ulcer that I have developed since not having my medications.

And here in Boston we are boiling our water due to a water main 'catastrophe'. It has been hot. The red line is still running slow-ly. Delays Abound.

And the weekend was nice. Dinner and a movie with my parents. Joe and I spent a lot of time reading, sitting in the sun, laying in the park, watching the hours pass by. It is nice to let go. To not do things that I think I SHOULD be doing. To instead just do the things we want.

Love that Dirty Water.

bad run

so i am having a bad run.

it's just my stomach hurts in the strangest, newest way.

or maybe it was this bad before. those vague far-away days when i threw up more than i kept down.

but i am so hungry. and i can't eat. and it hurts so bad. i can't sleep.

and i am cranky when i don't get enough food.

stupid silly yucky days.

sick day

home sick. it's not the way i remember. i have such fond elementary memories of day time television, vitamin c drops that tasted like candy, and my mom making cinnamon toast for me.

i spent my day reading and catching up on work emails. racking my brain hoping i didn't miss anything really important. i am pissed pissed pissed. it seems so unnecessary. i had been what my doctors call "stable" for so long. tomorrow i waste my morning at the doctors. again. hassle to get there. hassle to get back. rushing to make my meetings.

but the sun is shining and i have a good couch and jenckes has been laying on my belly since the morning. joe bought me gatorade and chicken soup and pot pies and gnocchis.

all my favorite sick-things.

i wish i could make blue cross reimburse me for my time.

what i said

what i said was going to happen is happening. sore throat. sore stomach. can't eat. raspy voice. doctors doctors pills pills.

ethics. ass holes. the reason i am pursuing my law degree.

there is nothing special to say today.

just that i feel let down and it has everything to do with you.

kidneys, birthdays, and getting by

on friday there was a lab error that prompted a rush to the emergency room and blood tests to check to see if my kidneys were working. and i lost ten years of my life to the stress of. not again. and there was that fleeting moment sitting on that mass general stretcher when i gave up a little thinking, maybe this is the life i am meant to have. maybe this is all it's ever gonna be.

and i was less scared and more forsaken.

i gave up.

only to find out i was okay.

two special little girls in my life had birthday parties this weekend though i only was able to go to one.

joe and i watched a little league game, sat on rocks, and played ball. those are the moments that feel just right. i have never wished for a life of weekends like i do lately.

i am trying hard to lift this weight. to take care. to let it go. but it's still hard to do, with him gone, and knowing what i know.