We Have Won

 After all of the joy I felt on Tuesday night watching record numbers of voters coming out to vote in support of this inspired president, to support women's rights, equality in marriage, access to health care, and an end to bigotry and hate. Like the election before it, the following days terrified me. My mom has a friend from her home state of Michigan who had "n*** lover" spray painted on her son's truck becuase of his Obama license plate. Twitter was inudated by tweens posting the N word and racial slurs that I didn't even think people knew anymore. Angry facebook "friends" posted cutting insults to me and my co workers like as women we were neglecting our children by caring about politics (not to mention the fact that he assumed as women we have children - which I do not. Believe it or not some women choose to have a career first). And the peppered comments all over social media stating all kinds of hateful and ignorant things that I won't even bother repeating - suffice to say the insults were personal attacks on liberal people not on liberal policy. And don't even get me started on Rush, Donald T and the rest of those racist/sexist/ poor sports and the classy way they have handled this defeat.

 The angry part of me wants to DARE the red states and the die hard conservatives to put their money where their mouths are. If you are of the belief that Americans take too many hand outs and that social services are BAD, please, by all means, don't participate in the programs. Don't collect unemployment or medicare or medicaid or food stamps or military pensions or FEMA aid or disability benefits. Don't get free care at the hospital, don't get the free lunch for your kids at school, don't use headstart, or the police services or ambulances or firetrucks. Don't live in subsidized housing or get a discount on your childcare vouchers. Perhaps that alone could free up the deficit.

 Or maybe you could reconsider what you are so angry about. Why a woman's desire to control her own body makes you feel so threatened.

  But either way - I saw this video of Obama and I realized - none of that matters. I can't change every persons minds or talk the world out of it's prejudices. There will always be ignorant hateful people who want to put others down. There will always be an underclass be it women, LGBT communities, immigrants, emigrants, disabled people...something.

   We will be fighting for our civil rights and for humanity for the rest of our lives. But as long as we are battling - We Have Won.

on death and dying

on friday october 5th at 6:23 in the morning i watched my nana glo take her last breath.

the days leading up to it were a blur of doctors and diagnosis.  some days were not so bad.  we even thought she was getting better.  and it was so quick its hard to get here. 

in the end it was hospital acquired pneumonia that finally got her. 

tough as she was.

and she fought it.  until she didn't.  and one late night when it was just me and her in the hospital room
i held her hand and told her, no one, not even her daughter, would be mad if she felt it was her time to go.

no one wants to see someone else suffer for them.

and when she was ready she told us.  and she whispered to each of us a little something - praising the ways we would carry her "Sargent" genes on for her.  and she was herself til the end.

she voted for obama from her icu bed.

she made us be silent for the presidential debate.

she came back to her home and pet her cat one last time and danced with her face to a favorite song.  she was agitated at times, talking fast, not wanting to leave anything undone, she wanted no messes when she was finally to go.  and we listened to her still.  all her wisdom.  all the same.

and she talked of compost, and energy and scooping things up.

and we fed her morphine on the hour - afraid every time that we would be the one to give the dose that killed her, and we itched her back and rubbed lotion in her hands and joe sang her "there were bells on a hill but i never heard them ringing no i never heard them at all til there was you"... and she mouthed the words, moved her head, and let the moment count for everything.

and we filled her house.  cousins and her children, spouses and in-laws, sleeping sitting up in chairs, sprawled on the floor on pillows and under tables.   i have never seen my big noisy family sit is such silence for so long.

when her mouth filled with foam we did our best to clean it.  when she opened her eyes we played vivaldi so she wouldn't feel any fear.  my father held his hands on hers willing her to let go with peace.

at 6:23 am a subtle change shifted across her face and we watched her take her last breath just after her lips turned a soft shade of blue and the light of the day made it's way through the windows.

the crows started their call.  family members were woken.  her children reaching for her.  tears and text messages.  so shocking is death even when it is most expected.  how quickly she left once it was time.

and still we sat.  my dad still holding her hand.  again silence.  one family staying with her in that room.  giving her the peace and the space to move on.  no one moving until the hospice nurse came to tell us it was time.

our nana glo was more than just a beautiful woman.  more than just a wife, just a mother, just a feminist, just a liberal.  she was the driving force behind an entire family.  generations of children have grown to be strong adults because of who she was. 

she faced her death with a courage i hope to have in my life. 

and i will miss takling to her about the latest book she has read or the last thing we both watched on pbs.  i will miss her puns and her npr commentaries.  i will miss talking about the latest art exhibits at the mfa, her advice for my garden or when she would give us green beans fresh from her garden.  i will miss those quiet moments in the end when she let me brush her hair.

and there are so many things i still need to ask her.

but i feel lucky to have grown up in such a strong and loving family.  rooted on our family street by her home, her heart, her sunday night dinners.  and i am thankful that nana glo let us be part of her death as she was such a huge part of our lives.

 as Nana Glo's last act she taught us all not only how to live but also how to die.

forgiveness

sometimes it's hard to admit that the thing you tried to forgive

has just become

one more thing that you crawl through the night

to hate.

because right now i think i hate you.

Breaths

Find hope in the sun drops and the passing breeze.

I have learned a lot about the things I need. He has helped me.

Married life

I had no idea being married could be so nice. We are so happy.

And with this lifetime of waiting for nothing at all, all the time,

it's nice to have something you want to come home too.

Count Down

To forever.

faith

i want to have faith in things, i do.  i want to believe in the balance of the universe, in the ebb of the journey, in the peace that we are supposed to find.  and i have felt it before.  spent months tacking the bits and pieces of my life on the wall.  re-arranging the pieces.  trimming the sides.  i have pushed myself to do things that were not that easy to do.

and i am suddenly no longer young.  i can see it in the wrinkles that are etching their way into my brow and i can see it in the hangovers i get when i stay up too late playing uno on the deck, not even drinking, but it's just that lack of sleep.

and i have watched you turn gardens and craddle friends and it was in your basement that i first got really drunk and i have never wanted that back, that uncertainty of being young, but it is hard to know what to say to you right now and i wish we could just sit around your fathers old record player and listen to kenny loggins and have everything be quiet in that old time way.