faith

i want to have faith in things, i do.  i want to believe in the balance of the universe, in the ebb of the journey, in the peace that we are supposed to find.  and i have felt it before.  spent months tacking the bits and pieces of my life on the wall.  re-arranging the pieces.  trimming the sides.  i have pushed myself to do things that were not that easy to do.

and i am suddenly no longer young.  i can see it in the wrinkles that are etching their way into my brow and i can see it in the hangovers i get when i stay up too late playing uno on the deck, not even drinking, but it's just that lack of sleep.

and i have watched you turn gardens and craddle friends and it was in your basement that i first got really drunk and i have never wanted that back, that uncertainty of being young, but it is hard to know what to say to you right now and i wish we could just sit around your fathers old record player and listen to kenny loggins and have everything be quiet in that old time way.

Ticking bomb

A ticking bomb tocks inside me. Fevers or broken tendons and a leg that hurts all the time but only walks sometimes. I have a ticking bomb inside me that lets me count stars and hearts and hands. There is a ticking bomb inside of me that only i can hear.

Selfish

I watch the sweetest seven year old playing video games when he is not too busy fighting the leukemia that has thus far failed to leave him. And to tell the truth I am terrified that he won't make it and what do you do with that. What do you say to his beautiful mom.

Sweet j

If only wanting something could be enough to make it be... Watch over sweet j.