i've seen the needle and the damage done

i didn't want to find you here. i didn't want you to have my ear. i meant to make you stay away.

(i hope she doesn't spit on my face. this time i hope i spit on hers.)

easy

it's easy to run. what's hard is getting away.

bruised knee, open palm of hand.

last night was the darkest night yet. for some reason my grief crawled across the floor and consumed me. mygod i could hardly breath. and i am not even sure i wanted to. and i looked around and there was not one thing i could think of that was worth being here for. of course it was a fleeting moment. less of a thought and more of a hiccup. and this must be what hopelessness feels like. and this must be what listlessness looks like. and i felt so hurt so judged so over the things i was in.

and i just wanted peace.

and i just wanted an end to this ache. ivan. why.

(is it a dream, is it a lie)

later. same day. same place. but i listened to the saddest songs. then the mean ones. the fuck you songs. the fuck it ones. and then the other ones. 60's girl bands. arcade fire. i let jay z convince me that its okay to be forever young.

and maybe it's okay to be so sad you can't breath. as long as you go on and breath anyway.

sometimes,

i really hate the things you do.
but mostly i just hate being so far away from you.

stay a little longer....

i am being haunted. in the most spectacular ways. sweet sweet dreams and ivan is there so tenderly for me. and i wake up to my little family in our little house and i feed jenckes and whisper my good byes to joe and then ivan and i walk to the t stop together and i feel him everywhere holding close to me and sometimes i wonder if i am losing my mind but these dreams are like nothing i have ever had before and some days i can hardly breath and i don't want even one sound, one movement, one thing to happen. i don't want him to go away again. and when the day breaks with snow flakes or sun sky the world becomes it's cold cold place and i am alone again. and i am running out of numbers to call. faces to pull. places to hide. dead friends piled next to my bed.

be mine, valentine

saturday was leigh's funeral. these things are so hard no matter what i try to tell myself. no matter what i try to do. the hymns. the things people remember. i left fast after. saw alot of people i didn't feel like, in that moment, spending the time to remember. i don't like the funeral-time-shit-shooting. i wanted to be whispering sick-stories with leigh again from my hospital bed. i wanted to be away.

so we left. stayed at a chatham inn. twenty minutes from my parents house but it felt a world away. high tea. sherry. a fireplace and a shower made for two. we ate my favorite foods (bread with brie, olives, chocolate covered gummy bears, prosecco) and he kept me from breaking right in two.

light

so the days are getting longer and that light has that brightness that hints of spring and this is the time of year when my pulse starts to quicken with all the expectations of those bbq days.