notarized me

so today was the day. really yesterday was. and before that last friday. but every time i tried to get those papers back he was sick or was walking out the door or he forgot. when i met him at his work today he had them finally, all filled out. in pencil. really? did he really think that you could use pencil on a legal document? did he really think that could save this thing? because 6 months ago he wouldn't even consider therapy. six months ago he told me he didn't get involved on an emotional level. but we got what we needed notarized and i am sitting here waiting for him to bring his part to me. thursday i will file those papers at the courthouse. the reality of it feels like a brick falling on my chest. just the fact of the matter. it's just so unfamiliar to see him in such a formal setting. to exchange addresses and incomes and talk about the weather. to go from sharing a life to not even sharing a zip code. the guilt i feel when he walks out the door and i am relieved as i lock the deadbolt. and six months is long enough. lets purge. lets breath. lets let this thing go down....

someone asked me recently what they should do with all the pictures they have of my wedding. i don't know if i said anything but what i meant to say was keep them. look at them. it still happened. this doesn't change that day. i don't want to pretend this never was. i want to remember every little thing. to learn from those mistakes. to grow from that experience. so i still have my pictures. i still look at them. i still had a good time in mexico and nantucket and that time we drove to vermont and ended up in montreal. i am not asking anyone to take those things away.

it's just the ending that changed. it's just that there is an ending. it's just the ways that dependence can disguise itself as love. it's just that i realized i need something more. it's just that i remembered who i was who i meant to be. it's just that i am not willing to let fear (of falling in love with someone as strong as me, of doing it alone, of heart conditions and my stupid leg that doesn't always work) keep me from living my best life. from experiencing my best love. from becoming my best me.

on monday i leave on a plane to paris. the papers will be filed. a new chapter will begin. one that i hope leads to sequels and prequels and the kind of climaxes that are usually saved for late night television movies.