tgif

cause i have had nothing but meetings today. one-after-the-other.
and i am tired of meeting.
you know?
tired of listening, tired of pretending, tired of stating the obvious.
and this morning rachel in my office started telling me about deb and her dead wife and we both started crying and neither of us knew why.
but really we both knew why because ivan is dead and leigh too and her mother in law died a month ago. and everyone dies. and everyone who lives is left living this life that sometimes, even on the brightest tuesday, they don't even want.
and who would want this?
and who wouldn't?
and who knows what number is gonna be pulled at the senior center bingo game by that woman wearing too much perfume. and who knows who will keep track and yell it first and who will have bingo for three letters and not say a word because they really don't care and they don't need the 50 gift card from target they just needed somewhere to go.
because the house felt so empty since he went away.
and his shoes. his shoes. his shoes are still by the front door.
and she can't bare to move them.

and i love you.

i love you so much the walls cave in and my throat feels tight with all these sad songs.
and i wanted to remind you to stay through the spring but the sky is gray and there really isn't anything.
is there.

and some mornings, and most evenings, and when the dog wakes me at 3 to go pee i picture the things that i could have been had i spent a little less time hiding.