mygod

for the first time in over a year the place i live feels like a home again. i moved in may in the midst of a breakup. i couldn't get invested. i didn't know where i was or if i could stay. but now we have a bedroom that feels so nice i don't want to leave. two working tv's (being sick will never be better). a loveseat to go with our couch. a christmas light chandelier over our table on the porch. a firepit. shit. it's perfect. and we found a store in brookline filled with all the russian food joe misses and the flavors that remind me of that long ago (now) kazakhstan trip and they had the sweetest honey and the most bitter beers and i felt, again, like i am living here, and not just going through the motions on a street that could be anywhere.

and saturday i missed ivan so much my heart hurt. i remembered the first time he told me i was beautiful. we were at the stop sign down the street from my parents house. and he might have been the hundredth person to say such things but when he said it i felt beautiful and not like he wanted something from me.

it's monday now. and it's raining. steady-like. like it's gonna keep on raining. and i have the lsat's to study for. budgets to break.

and for a second before i stepped off the train i didn't have one thing to be afraid of. and that feeling. again. like life is going to be good. despite all this shit we are all stuck in.