safe

ivan once said that i was a "people pleaser" but that i needed to learn what i need to please me.

ivan shot himself in the head.

shot
himself
in
the
head.

all the hungry makes me grumpy.
i need arms to fall into at the end of the day.
a promise that they won't ever ever go away.
this make-believe.

this promise against death and dying.

and it's always me to go.

giving giving giving and then giving up.

because i can't do everything.

ivan shot himself on his head.

the last thing he said to me was that he was glad i was home and safe.

he didn't tell me he was about to take that feeling of safety away from me.

and i can't seem to shake the meaninglessness that has come over my life.