dear j,
remember i had that dream about ivan? remember i was afraid he was dying? i finally talked to him today and he was alive and he was the same and full of memories and full of honesty and it was so exactly what it should have been and it made me feel lighter but heavier too. heavy in hope that i don't ever have to lose him. don't have to watch his body destroyed by the drugs he gave his bed too.
he reminded me of things like:
him waking me in the late night hours when he got home and i was sleeping on esther's floor. or the nights i went to sleep in his bed when he wasn't home yet (behind that padlocked door) and he came home to find me. of prom night and me stumbling around in the morning without my glasses or contacts in not able to see a thing. the pact we made when i was 16 that if we married other people we would get together EVERY SINGLE YEAR and cheat on our spouses with each other. that meant true love to us then. we were it.
can you imagine. can you see the years? oh that fresh young love. that time when loving is ENOUGH and nothing else matters. oh the romance of love for loves sake. dry humping and third base and kissing until it hurts your face. not being bogged down by things like paying bills and the realities of dating a person that is broken so badly they could just possibly break you.
it breaks my heart and fills me up. because if there was just love and no real life i could have been with ivan all this time.... and the real world has kicked the shit out of my romantic little heart.
i thought then that two people like us could never ever be together. that people like us burn so hard that together we would burn each other, destroy our very souls. that the intensity would be too much. that it would consume me. destroy me. in some ways it's because ivan did. ivan and i burned hot. hard. we destroyed each other but we loved so hard. now i think that maybe i was wrong. that maybe i need that fire inside me. that maybe i need to be a little destroyed.
love, h
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