some days i remember that night a couple weeks before ivan took his life. i called him and he didn't answer but instead texted me that he really wanted to talk but he had friends over. he said he would try to get them too leave. he texted me at 2 am that they were gone and asked me to call him. i heard the phone, woke up, and told him i was too tired. i left for europe a couple days later and we didn't speak again - just a couple of texts. he stopped taking my calls.
and all i can think is that i had a chance. he gave me a chance.
and i blew it.
and it feels like suffocating every time i think of it. these things are no ones fault but maybe it was a little bit mine.
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