the vitamin d helps and the cozy house i come home to and the arms waiting there for me. and i am buried. and today it's going to snow and i have been cold since i woke up. and time is building bridges and valleys between ivan and me that used to be steps and streams. month after year and i don't miss him any less he has just gotten farther away than i ever wanted him to be.
i am adjusting to my new reality. i am breathing again. i am learning to grocery shop with a crutch and a cart and to not cry when i see my car waiting for me in that handicapped spot. i am trying to hold onto hope but i am trying to be realistic. i am trying to not be afraid. i am trying to not think of the next test til the next test comes. i am trying to see the hospital halls as full of life of the grey's anatomy dating/sex/human kind instead of the prison it has felt like to me all these years.
people always talk about living in the present like it's a good thing. but that terror that leaves you blank to everything outside of you. living in that moment. having that be your present.
it is hell.
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