journeys

i didn't sleep well. i had bad dreams. weird ones. woke up unimpressed. undecided. uninterested in seeing anything. doing anything. knowing you. they were the piss off kind. all the things. boys kissing girls they shouldn't. people telling lies. belly aches. stupid so cal places. when i dream i am back in la its like i am dreaming about dying. that city and it's sunshine.

i leave for paris today at six. i can't muster up the things.

so maybe i'll have a sweet plane-meal. take an ativan. cause that's how i roll in the sky. i'll watch some romantic comedy and cry. think about how much i hate. all the things.

fuck. maybe a shower will help.

maybe i just need some coffee. or to smash the mouths. or to hold their ears to the fire.

i can't wait to divorce that family of faces that spent 5 years slandering me. i can't wait to stop saying 'i don't care what they say'. because i care. of course i care.

and this gray day has nothing nice for me to say today.

Not Sullen

Not Scared. Not Saved.
Not Escaping. Not Succumbing.

A Little Sexy.
A Little Learned.

Getting Closer.

Moving.

Avocado Smooth.

Cold As Your Camera Lens.

But Getting Closer.

Truncate Me.

Call Me Morning.

Touch My Failures and Feel Your Face In My Tides.

eff you.

of course it was coming. i have spent five and a half years trying to not listen to the talk they talk. that family. those christians. the kind that make you understand all those wars.

so judge me.

tell the story your way.

but the truth is you raised a son who hates you so much that 6.5 months later and he hasn't even told you he's filed papers to get a divorce. you never called. you never asked. you didn't know about the pregnancy, the miscarriage, or the years and tears that you took away.

what i feel for you is about as close as i have ever come to hate. the way you treat him. what you call love.

so call it my fault. create affairs or complications.

when the truth is a distant stranger told you of your sons demise based on facebook posts and internet rumors. and that is all you have. because this is what you've done.

doubt

i wanted you to be silent.
too.

notarized me

so today was the day. really yesterday was. and before that last friday. but every time i tried to get those papers back he was sick or was walking out the door or he forgot. when i met him at his work today he had them finally, all filled out. in pencil. really? did he really think that you could use pencil on a legal document? did he really think that could save this thing? because 6 months ago he wouldn't even consider therapy. six months ago he told me he didn't get involved on an emotional level. but we got what we needed notarized and i am sitting here waiting for him to bring his part to me. thursday i will file those papers at the courthouse. the reality of it feels like a brick falling on my chest. just the fact of the matter. it's just so unfamiliar to see him in such a formal setting. to exchange addresses and incomes and talk about the weather. to go from sharing a life to not even sharing a zip code. the guilt i feel when he walks out the door and i am relieved as i lock the deadbolt. and six months is long enough. lets purge. lets breath. lets let this thing go down....

someone asked me recently what they should do with all the pictures they have of my wedding. i don't know if i said anything but what i meant to say was keep them. look at them. it still happened. this doesn't change that day. i don't want to pretend this never was. i want to remember every little thing. to learn from those mistakes. to grow from that experience. so i still have my pictures. i still look at them. i still had a good time in mexico and nantucket and that time we drove to vermont and ended up in montreal. i am not asking anyone to take those things away.

it's just the ending that changed. it's just that there is an ending. it's just the ways that dependence can disguise itself as love. it's just that i realized i need something more. it's just that i remembered who i was who i meant to be. it's just that i am not willing to let fear (of falling in love with someone as strong as me, of doing it alone, of heart conditions and my stupid leg that doesn't always work) keep me from living my best life. from experiencing my best love. from becoming my best me.

on monday i leave on a plane to paris. the papers will be filed. a new chapter will begin. one that i hope leads to sequels and prequels and the kind of climaxes that are usually saved for late night television movies.

take me inside.

been waiting all my life. holding my breath. keep a vigil into the night. all that fear. all that forevering. all those promises i knew i could never keep. some days i wondered if i was even capable of that kind of love. the kind of loneliness that comes from a life of surviving. believing in everything is kinda the same as believing in nothing. and i believed in this strongly. i wouldn't say i gave up, it was more of a giving in. it's like i walked so far i didn't even realize where i had been. cold soft sounds of falling. the falling in. i am falling in.

for this.