another day

it is hot like a steam room outside and i think that acupuncture and heating pads and belly massages are starting to help my belly just enough to offer some light on the days so i feel better even if only by a fraction.

the thought of having to go back on meds that lead to problems with my heart that lead to more medications that lead to....

i can't go back to that.

not yet. not now.

and summer is here. and we have a garden. and whatever it means... things are gonna work out the way they should in the end.

safe

ivan once said that i was a "people pleaser" but that i needed to learn what i need to please me.

ivan shot himself in the head.

shot
himself
in
the
head.

all the hungry makes me grumpy.
i need arms to fall into at the end of the day.
a promise that they won't ever ever go away.
this make-believe.

this promise against death and dying.

and it's always me to go.

giving giving giving and then giving up.

because i can't do everything.

ivan shot himself on his head.

the last thing he said to me was that he was glad i was home and safe.

he didn't tell me he was about to take that feeling of safety away from me.

and i can't seem to shake the meaninglessness that has come over my life.

three weeks

i have til july 15th to gain some weight or at least not lose any weight or i might have to get a central line put in and get my nutrition tpn. i am terrified of eating from a pump. literally terrified.

i do not want to live with visiting nurses and all the monitoring that would mean.

so i went to whole foods right from the doctor and bought every food i like. in hopes that i can trick my stomach into letting me eat. to get it to stop hurting.

i hope it works. i am doing everything i can.

oil spills, cancer cells, belly aches, growing pains, pizza dough,

back talking, forward walking, you never listen when i scream your name, pineapple flavored liquor - no it's better with vodka, hot dogs, shaved ice, what the eff is eating all my basil, red ants, i am too small for even my skinny pants, lsat practice tests, application essays, beach light, salty air/hair, i miss those cape cod summer nights, grilled kale, lobster bibs, honey-suckle, bird sounds, slowing down.

get me out.

i am losing ground.

weird. i wrote this july 1st last year. and i lost.

dear j,

remember i had that dream about ivan? remember i was afraid he was dying? i finally talked to him today and he was alive and he was the same and full of memories and full of honesty and it was so exactly what it should have been and it made me feel lighter but heavier too. heavy in hope that i don't ever have to lose him. don't have to watch his body destroyed by the drugs he gave his bed too.

he reminded me of things like:
him waking me in the late night hours when he got home and i was sleeping on esther's floor. or the nights i went to sleep in his bed when he wasn't home yet (behind that padlocked door) and he came home to find me. of prom night and me stumbling around in the morning without my glasses or contacts in not able to see a thing. the pact we made when i was 16 that if we married other people we would get together EVERY SINGLE YEAR and cheat on our spouses with each other. that meant true love to us then. we were it.

can you imagine. can you see the years? oh that fresh young love. that time when loving is ENOUGH and nothing else matters. oh the romance of love for loves sake. dry humping and third base and kissing until it hurts your face. not being bogged down by things like paying bills and the realities of dating a person that is broken so badly they could just possibly break you.

it breaks my heart and fills me up. because if there was just love and no real life i could have been with ivan all this time.... and the real world has kicked the shit out of my romantic little heart.

i thought then that two people like us could never ever be together. that people like us burn so hard that together we would burn each other, destroy our very souls. that the intensity would be too much. that it would consume me. destroy me. in some ways it's because ivan did. ivan and i burned hot. hard. we destroyed each other but we loved so hard. now i think that maybe i was wrong. that maybe i need that fire inside me. that maybe i need to be a little destroyed.

love, h

shot through the...

ivan broke my heart when he shot himself in the head.

what little faith i had. it's been hard to find more.

(but i am trying. trying to believe. and when i am laying in the park next to joe listening to little league sounds and the sun is on my face i forget that i was ever afraid of anything.)

how do you harness that. where do you keep it when you are far from home.

blah blah blah

hungry. hungry. hungry.
i will punch the next skinny obsessed girl who tells me i look good.
stupid sick starving themselves effs.

i would give this to them if i could.

cause i'd rather have curves and lobster. cause i don't want to go down like that.

it's sunny here. joe and i are gonna escape to somewhere quiet & familiar this weekend.

happy birthday zac.
(who would be 34 but is instead 10 years dead).