i can't hide

i remember the first time we looked at rings. i had a broken heart (literally - it was a virus that effed up my sinus node and walking to the bathroom made my heart pound so hard my head would flutter. i passed time in mass general, rhode island hospital, newton-wellesley. i had ekg's and iv's and blow up leg cuffs to keep me from getting blood clots. i used a bed pan and watched my heart rate on a monitor shoot up to 200 just laying in bed then go all the way down to 30. in the end they told me there was nothing they could do. in the end they said they didn't know why it was happening and that they didn't know that it would ever stop now that it was mine. they mentioned pace makers and life spans and potasium levels patted my back and said they were sorry. i left rhode island hospital with a prescription for weekly blood tests, three bottles of pills and orders to lay flat on my back if my heart rate went over 150. i carried a stop watch to calculate my pulse. i became afraid to even take a shower if i was home alone). i had my questions. i had my doubts. there were so many parts of me that weren't fufilled. but hell. it was nice to have something that i could say for sure. because that month, those years, in the moments when i layed flat on my back on the floor waiting for my breath to come, my pulse to slow, i wasn't sure i had anything.