coffee & dreams

i am turning over a new leaf.

getting away but i am not leaving it behind.

postcards. cafes. coffees. towers. the kinds with lights.

cheeses and jamon. i am gonna eat and i'm gonna love and i am gonna do it to it like it's never been done.

and it will be just very.

and it will feel just right.

and i won't have to pretend those things i have to pretend here to make you okay with the idea that i am divorcing and leaving and loving and not so broken that i am not okay. i won't have to check with you about whether it's okay to not be sad anymore. i won't have to down play my happy because it makes you question your boyfriend or your husband or the things you've learned to turn away.

because the truth is that while this is all hard as shit. while this is a shit show some days that even i don't care to watch. for the most part. and deep down. i have left the comfort of a dear darling friend for a life full of adventure. for a happiness that comes from being okay with me. for the freedom to fail and hard and as high as i want to. for the companionship of a love that tells me to listen better and tell the truth and to take a time out when my talk gets crazy.

this is hard.

but sometimes the right thing is a hard thing to do.

and i am tired to trying to be only as happy as you see fit.
i am tired of having to live my life quietly so as to not upset you.

so hear me. screaming. watch me. running. feel the way it feels to be the first one in your world to tell the truth.

so
tag.
you're
it.

and this doesn't mean i won't still love you.