last night was the darkest night yet. for some reason my grief crawled across the floor and consumed me. mygod i could hardly breath. and i am not even sure i wanted to. and i looked around and there was not one thing i could think of that was worth being here for. of course it was a fleeting moment. less of a thought and more of a hiccup. and this must be what hopelessness feels like. and this must be what listlessness looks like. and i felt so hurt so judged so over the things i was in.
and i just wanted peace.
and i just wanted an end to this ache. ivan. why.
(is it a dream, is it a lie)
later. same day. same place. but i listened to the saddest songs. then the mean ones. the fuck you songs. the fuck it ones. and then the other ones. 60's girl bands. arcade fire. i let jay z convince me that its okay to be forever young.
and maybe it's okay to be so sad you can't breath. as long as you go on and breath anyway.
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