scar tissue that i wish you saw

so i am not in california as planned. another morphine filled heart monitored hospital day. it's nothing new for me. it's just that place i thought i had finally left once and for all. but of course recovery lasts a life time. and now its scar tissue and maybe its the nerves finally connecting again or maybe its an artery getting resituated but damn it hurts and i thought i was past the hospital stays and the doctors gaze. but never will be really. and i guess i never thought about how these sorts of things lead to more of these sorts of things. and so i will take my potassium pills and i will see my doctors and i will remind myself again that the pain and the set backs of this recovery are worth the life i in between physical therapy and cat scan appointments, have the chance to be living.