blue cross

so i know that the cost analysis is a business practice. i know that when you see the numbers you don't see me. and hell, why would you. you aren't the one that spent a year forcing down banana smoothies because you vomited up every solid thing you tried to eat. your doctors never made you gag down ensure weight gain, the kind that has oil in it that you can actually see floating in the disgusting chocolate "shake". you probably didn't spend your mid twenties projectile vomiting in churches, parking lots, job interviews, grocery stores and at every holiday dinner. you probably never got so thin your skin looked more like parchment paper over blue. i bet your voice never got so coarse from your regurgitation that you had to go on steroids just so you could swallow and breath. you probably never got to the point where you decided you wouldn't fight it if they pushed the feeding tube if it could stop what you were going through. of all the things that accident took from me the motility in my stomach is the thing i most miss. nights slept sitting up my heart beating trying to just keep down my food. oh i'm lucky to stay so skinny that's what you think right. but i am nauseous all the time, my throat hurts, the stomach spasms i have make it feel like i have been punched a hundred times some mornings and i am constantly in the hospital for dehydration, low potassium, stupid shit that i would rather not have to be dealing with and doing. it has taken me close to three years to finally get my stomach to be tolerable again.

and blue cross decides to not cover my generic medication anymore.

so yeah. fuck you blue cross. i hope that i end up back in that hospital. start having to take that expensive zofran again. twice a day. three times. i hope that i need an ambulance and in patient treatment (like i did before) that includes cat scans and nuclear medicine tests to see how delayed my gastric emptying still is. i hope that this aggravates my heart condition and leads to longer stays on the cardiac floor at top tier mass general. i hope that i require holter tests and stress tests and a stress test echocardiogram. i hope i have to get a hundred upper endoscopies. and
i hope your daughters go through what i have gone through. shrink before your very eyes. and so then you can tell them about your bottom line. how the studies show... how for most people its this way and how their months, their health, their happiness aren't what matter because what about that penny in your pocket and what about your sweet vacation. and when your daughters start losing their hair and their skin gets dry and they hug their heating pads instead of going to prom i hope that you still believe that this was the only thing to do.

because otherwise.

just look.

look at what you do.