grief

maybe it's because yesterday was the 7th, marking four entire months since he passed, or maybe it was the memorial benefit show, maybe it was the look in sam's eyes or the way those songs made me feel or maybe it's just that i have been listening the the soundtrack of once on repeat and my boy is feeling kinda grumpy. but for some reason these days have been so hard.

the things i need to tell ivan. you can't imagine all the things. you can't imagine all the stories and heartache that is locked up in my chest without him for the telling to. all the texts i have not been able to send. all the love i can't get from him. all his patience. all his laughter. all his ways he knew how to hear me. all the comfort i got in the forgiveness he would always give me. and i can't get that anywhere. anymore.

the alone. i feel. the heavy. in my heart.

the tears i cry. that mean nothing. that can't comfort me.

it's like i am waiting for the sky to open and for him to be here. that story. that line. that time-heals-all-wounds bull shit. kept waiting for the happily-ever-after of it all.

but this story is all about the climbing. the battle. the journey stripped down and standing naked in the light. all stretch marks and surgery scars.

the shape of my thighs. that shape that i hate. that smell of the city in the heat. the tight throat. the strike of his hand so close to my head but it never hits quite right and i am scared of the noise and of where this will go.

heart break doesn't even begin to name the things i am trying to say.