it takes a village.

so i am looking for mine.


i am tired of always being your cheerleader.

today,
i need you to cheer for me.

stem cells

it didn't occur to me til i was falling asleep last night that i do things like the ms walk and the liver walk for me as much as i do them for my parents. it is so moving looking around at the huge groups of families and co-workers and friends who all know something about living with that disease we are walking for. i realize i wish i had that. wish i had a group or even a doctor who knew that much about what i had, what would come next and what i had been through. i wish there was a name for the thing i am fighting. i wish there was a pamphlet i could read. i wish there was some hope beyond stemcell research or the idea that through all that ms and diabetes research going on out there maybe they will find a way to fix my nerve injuries too.

my leg feels like there are a million tiny ants crawling in it. my feet itch in the deepest way. and burn. and my thigh goes numb. and i can't feel my leg except for pain. it's unrelenting. it's dead weight.

i am on crutches again. i am considering buying a wheelchair. i don't want to miss things because my leg is too weak and my arms are too sore to carry me.

you never

dear dead beat friends & family,
the ones who "felt bad" for josh, or didn't believe/trust how hard i tried and pleaded with him to make things work, and those of you who were too consumed with your own insecurity about your own boyfriends/girlfriends to sit with me, i want you to know:

i don't forgive you.

i thought i would feel appeased when you apologized after finding he stepped out our door into the bed of the first girl he met and stayed there (really. she was his neighbor). or when it turned out he moved in with her before we were even divorced. i thought that the ways he proved his disregard and inattention to our relationship would give me peace.

and it did. and the friends who were there. the family. the love i was able to find when i finally took the time to ask myself what i needed. i've built a home that has feet that can actually support me for the first time ever.

there is a reason i can't muster the energy to take your calls or to meet you for a cup of coffee down the street.

i don't forgive you.

and i don't think i will. i don't think i even want to.

i learned something from the hours i spent making cupcakes for your parties and discussing the merits of dating married men or men who will never seem to commit to really being with you (things i would never do but never judged you for). i learned that the friends i want to keep are more like me and nothing like you.

nothing's simple

it's like time travel. that time you spend wondering what you should have been. or wondering if she is better than you were. or when you walk down the street and you can't see anything but your hands crashing down on top of him. that anger that swells.

you let him use you. he used you for six years.
you believed him. because? what was wrong with you?

nobody changes that fast. no one believes in jesus one day and nothing the next. no one comes from that family unscathed. how could you? who can be normal when their mother tells them constantly how difficult they were as a boy? who tied him to a playpen in the back yard.

and pray tell who marries that boy when he is grown?

what was wrong with me?

of course i hate her. i thought i loved him once. of course i hate.

and he wasn't the first boy who wanted to marry me. i was engaged before when i was just out of college. he was smart and skateboarded and had a real job and taught me things like how to file my bills and the proper way to do laundry. i didn't really think if i wanted to be married or not but after all the fighting in my life it was a relief to have someone who told me what to do. but of course that only goes so far. and after a year of broken dishes, punched in walls and bruised arms he finally broke a bone in my foot and i had no more question. it was time to go.

i was 24 years old. i threw up for three straight days and packed everything i could and I left on an early plane home.

i already had the ticket. it was supposed to be for my final dress fitting.

that is where my reputation started. for "changing my mind". of course i could have told people. of course i could have defended myself. but it was easier to deal with the shame of being thought of as flighty than it was to be thought of as that girl. That girl that I was.

and i have a favorite client. and she has a terrible man in her life. and so does the girl on the train and a best friend and an old school mate. and there is no such thing as being all terrible or all kind. and it's hard to make someone leave when you know sometimes you need them.

Second Chances

Thank God for second chances.

I am so relieved I don't have to spend even one more second with the family that hated me.

I am going to law school.

I spend my weekends laughing and cooking and hugging a person who fills me with love.

It's been a long road but I am so glad to be here.

feminist

listen. i don't think of myself as a feminist. i mean, i believe that women should be given the same power and opportunities as men. doesn't that make me a humanist? an equalist? or fuck it. call me a feminist. i a proud to support women.

and i know relationships are complicated. i know how no one on the outside can know what is really going on. i have been there.

but come on. buck up.

have a conversation.

don't go starting something new while your devoted wife or your tiny kids sit at home waiting for and loving you.

and all you women out there. fall in love. believe in things. but don't forget your career. don't make yourself the third priority, behind him and them and whatever else. make him wait for you. take turns. make your own money. sow your own land.

because i spend my days planning budgets and giving credit counseling to strong women who lost their savings account and their credit score to the man who used their credit card to fund their addiction or the boyfriend who loved them so much they gave them a broken arm and two kids before leaving with her best friend.

and i'm getting kinda tired of this shit.

get it together guys. you aren't giving your kids much to believe in.