nothing's simple

it's like time travel. that time you spend wondering what you should have been. or wondering if she is better than you were. or when you walk down the street and you can't see anything but your hands crashing down on top of him. that anger that swells.

you let him use you. he used you for six years.
you believed him. because? what was wrong with you?

nobody changes that fast. no one believes in jesus one day and nothing the next. no one comes from that family unscathed. how could you? who can be normal when their mother tells them constantly how difficult they were as a boy? who tied him to a playpen in the back yard.

and pray tell who marries that boy when he is grown?

what was wrong with me?

of course i hate her. i thought i loved him once. of course i hate.

and he wasn't the first boy who wanted to marry me. i was engaged before when i was just out of college. he was smart and skateboarded and had a real job and taught me things like how to file my bills and the proper way to do laundry. i didn't really think if i wanted to be married or not but after all the fighting in my life it was a relief to have someone who told me what to do. but of course that only goes so far. and after a year of broken dishes, punched in walls and bruised arms he finally broke a bone in my foot and i had no more question. it was time to go.

i was 24 years old. i threw up for three straight days and packed everything i could and I left on an early plane home.

i already had the ticket. it was supposed to be for my final dress fitting.

that is where my reputation started. for "changing my mind". of course i could have told people. of course i could have defended myself. but it was easier to deal with the shame of being thought of as flighty than it was to be thought of as that girl. That girl that I was.

and i have a favorite client. and she has a terrible man in her life. and so does the girl on the train and a best friend and an old school mate. and there is no such thing as being all terrible or all kind. and it's hard to make someone leave when you know sometimes you need them.