prognosis

a month or two a go my rheumatologist who lacks the basic nurturing skills that one would desire when getting a prognosis (as the diagnosis still elludes me) shook up my world in such a calmly delivered explanation it has taken me all this time to even hear it.

she told me that my antibody results and clinical features are not definative yet - but lend themselves to an eventual diagnosis of Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder - an exciting overlap syndrome that combines aspects of lupus, sclederma and polymyositis.  there is a chance i will not progress any more than i have thus far but it's much more likely that in 5 - 10 years the disease will progress to the full fledged disease.

she told me it's a bad diagnosis.  that people can die from it "and it's not a pretty way to go".  she said those words.  why, i can't fathom.

and she told me to enjoy the time i have now.  to do the things i've always wanted.  to take advantage of this time i have now.

and it scared me and i don't really know what to do with that information.

except to say that i am getting married and i am going to spend my time celebrating and honoring that love and i am not going to give all my energy to law school.  i am going to give all my energy to love.