alchemy

there are things we were supposed to know. mixtures, potions, pillow talk for that child you had been. or will it be again.

it is sunshine here but cold. sometimes nothing feels the way it looks like it should.

again imagined myself with one foot in each world. wondering if i will mind the dying - when all i picture when i think of death is ivan waiting for me on the other side.

and the other side has become green fields and gauzy shirts.

like you can really just run and leave things behind.

it is april. yesterday was kira's birthday. tonight i share my home with a stranger when all i want is to be alone on my porch.
i have to make big decisions about things like going back to law school or staying here or what else and i have to base those things on the intangible of my health.

i was going forward before like everyone told me, as if i were as healthy as you. and that lame advice will have cost me $30,000 for nothing because really we all know i am much too sick to return to school.

i am pissed you didn't warn me better.

i am pissed that i am not as healthy as you.