meditations

during acupuncture on monday i closed my eyes and all i could picture was ivan running through this field full of tall grass and orange light and he looked so happy and he was looking right at me and he seemed so light, so free. and he was looking at me with these shining eyes and all the sadness and all the pain and all the years were washed away and it broke my heart to see him so happy because i knew it meant i had to let him go. i had to give him up. and maybe now he is at peace. and i have to let him go. because down here things were heavy and dark for him. and maybe there is light where ever he is now.

and it gave me such peace. and i realized that loving him means letting him go. letting him have this. because isn't that what i've always wanted for him? for him to be happy?

and i slept soundly that night. and yesterday when i came home from a work training to a warm house full of jenckes and joe and stupid television i felt deep down happy. i still cried in the car when i heard that song, but i cried because i know i have to do this. i have to say good bye. but it didn't feel like suffocating. and it didn't hurt to know i had to be alive.