charm

third one is the charm eh? because i thought i knew how to do this now. the right way. the way that doesn't involve pills, drunk nights or fake fights. i thought i had found the better way. but i'm overwhelmed. i don't know where to start. it's like every moment could be consumed by a memory here. a face there. and i need to be here now and it's hard because i am always remembering that time...

and the saddest part is knowing how hard the years had been on them. re-reading lines leigh wrote about his shame. his struggle. how it tied his hands behind his back. and i guess he lost the fight. or he was taken out of the game. and anyway you look at it. they all lost their way. couldn't get back home again.

and it's hard to find peace when i picture all that pain. all that fighting. if only they knew the love out here for them. if only it weren't always a moment too late.

sometimes i feel like i was at my own funeral. after my accident the faces that poured out. the love. the flowers. the packages and phone calls. it blew my mind. it lifted me up. it carried me to a place of peace even in those worst of times.

so may this love lift them. hold them close. carry them to a safer, softer, kinder place.

and why can't we just be kind, here. why can't we just carry eachother, now.

because i need to be carried right now. because my heart feels so heavy. because i don't know how much more i can take.