reality bites

i just watched the end of reality bites on tv and it reminds me of things like kira and chunky monkey ben & jerrys and those rolls with the flour on top that ivan used to bring to me from the tedeschis in dennis when that was the only thing i wanted inside me. soft bread.

and its kinda the story of me and joe though not really at all. but i am feeling sentimental. and my day off would be so much better if he was here.

i am fragile.

and i used to sing that lisa loeb song to ivan all the time and when i was sixteen he hated it but when i was 31 he would text me the lyrics when he was getting coffee in the morning and i was at work.

he died before i turned 32.

and when i dream of ivan now i am no longer taking the gun from his hand. i am laying on the bed next to him with my arms on his shoulders telling him again and again that he is not alone. that if he has to go at least he should know that.

and i wonder if he knew how much i loved him. how i would have done anything for him. i wonder if he knew that then?