rewrite

and eff you. the truth is it is summer time and that was our time and ivan i am pissed that i can't say these things i want to say to you. pissed that you left me here alone. you knew how much these people here hurt me. you knew how sensitive i can be. you were the thing. the one. the person i could tell everything too. you were the one who always always always loved me and now i am here with all of them and mygod you know how they can be. how intolerable this heat is with nothing but that ones nasty notes and this ones rainy day blues. why couldn't it have been them. him. her. anyone but you.

you told me you would always be there.

and now there is no where i want to be.

(and you are not helping. with your morning time grumpiness that lasts through the day. and you are not helping with that screaming you do. why do you have to always scream at me. and you are not helping with those things you always expect from me. i am allowed to have a bad day i am allowed to have my sad times i am allowed to tell you to get the fuck away from me).

i want you to leave.

i want him here with me.

i want the sidewalks to turn into soft spots and the neck cricks to become cookie dough and i want peanuts instead of peanut galleries. i want movie time romance and popcorn balls for the birds to eat and i want soft winds and i want the kind of running that takes me away from all of this and all of you.