chi-town

i love this city, this chicago. the deep dish pizzas, the 2 dollar drafts, the pretty parks, the jazz, lake michigan. i passed a night with an old college friend and we had so much fun we were mistaken for a couple. it's nice to have those kinds of laughs with that kind of person who gets who you are and where you have been. someone who speaks the language of ethnography and diane arbus and who knows who you mean when you refer to a girl named "manatee".

i have spent even more of my trip alone though. because i want to. because i remembered how much i need solitude sometimes. my second night here i found an indian restaurant in a new part of town. the spread was impressive. delicious. beautiful. i realized that at that moment not one person knew where i was and something about that made me feel lighter than i have felt in years. and i like to eat out alone. to people watch and to not share and to not care what anyone else is saying. and i like drinking coffee again. going to the gym each night (12 miles is pretty good for someone who was once not sure if she would ever walk without a cane again).

and i remembered things about myself again. like that my fear of athlete's foot is stronger than my love for steam rooms. and that i am not afraid of city streets and i'm not afraid of sleeping alone and i am not afraid to tell the truth and sometimes you have to learn to love even the worst you.

i leave for kazakhstan in less than a month. i leave for kazakhstan in 27 days. i leave for kazakhstan in 4 weekends and three days. and sometimes i can hardly breath to think about it. i haven't taken a chance, i haven't reached for a star, i haven't believed in these things in so so long. and i could use an adventure. and i could use a dream. and i want to be brave and i am becoming these things.

i am becoming the person i have always meant to be.