around the way girl

who says you can't escape. who says a change of space won't help you breath. who says dreams don't come true.

i am closing the gap. i am embracing my romantic notions. i am filling in oceans with postcards and plane rides. i am handing back my tether, i am handing over my what-ifs. i am learning to more than survive. i believe in this.

i am leaving for paris & travels in spain in two and a half weeks. it's close enough finally to feel real. to picture the hotel beds, to taste the food, to feel the air. i can't wait to just be away. to just breath. to walk streets that don't even know me. to drink, to eat, to dance. to sleep through the night. to wake up rested. to laugh. ohmygod. you wouldn't believe how we laugh. you wouldn't believe how light i feel when we do. you wouldn't believe how it makes me feel/reel/revel. and it will be just enough. just right. just.

and this time i am running towards something. i am not running away. i am not holding vigil. i am not waiting for the shoe to drop. and all i want is to journey. all i want is this journey. all i want is this chance. this hope. this feeling i have like no matter what happens, no matter who stays, i am going to be okay. it is all okay. and there is nothing to be afraid of. nothing i want to get away from. nothing to run away from. anymore.

oh kazakhstan you, you got what i need...

It was everything I needed that trip to be.

...

and she's taking taking taking taking taking off.

kazakhstan

tomorrow it's on. kazakhstan. free falling. really getting away.

i am mostly excited. i don't have any idea how it will be. i like the not knowing. i like having no expectations. there will be an alphabet i can't read, a language i can't understand, food i won't dare eat, and open arms, open space and new faces and all the things that i need.

i want to talk all night and sleep all day.

i want to fall in love with kittens and black eagles and with me.

i am going to fall in love with the moment. i am going to let it sweep me away.

because here. that girl at the housewarming party. that voice on the phone. that soon to be ex-in-law. that "friend" wearing her moral overcoat. they wear me out.

it.
wears.
me.
out.

chi-town

i love this city, this chicago. the deep dish pizzas, the 2 dollar drafts, the pretty parks, the jazz, lake michigan. i passed a night with an old college friend and we had so much fun we were mistaken for a couple. it's nice to have those kinds of laughs with that kind of person who gets who you are and where you have been. someone who speaks the language of ethnography and diane arbus and who knows who you mean when you refer to a girl named "manatee".

i have spent even more of my trip alone though. because i want to. because i remembered how much i need solitude sometimes. my second night here i found an indian restaurant in a new part of town. the spread was impressive. delicious. beautiful. i realized that at that moment not one person knew where i was and something about that made me feel lighter than i have felt in years. and i like to eat out alone. to people watch and to not share and to not care what anyone else is saying. and i like drinking coffee again. going to the gym each night (12 miles is pretty good for someone who was once not sure if she would ever walk without a cane again).

and i remembered things about myself again. like that my fear of athlete's foot is stronger than my love for steam rooms. and that i am not afraid of city streets and i'm not afraid of sleeping alone and i am not afraid to tell the truth and sometimes you have to learn to love even the worst you.

i leave for kazakhstan in less than a month. i leave for kazakhstan in 27 days. i leave for kazakhstan in 4 weekends and three days. and sometimes i can hardly breath to think about it. i haven't taken a chance, i haven't reached for a star, i haven't believed in these things in so so long. and i could use an adventure. and i could use a dream. and i want to be brave and i am becoming these things.

i am becoming the person i have always meant to be.