it turns out its only thursday and i spent the morning celebrating friday.

and i just need you to hold me.

(count the hours. remove the seeds.)

waiting

i had a dream i was on some tarmac and i was waiting for him to get home and i was watching the faces go by, arms catching outstretched arms, people reaching, people holding. and he didn't come. and i was looking down the line. watching the furthest body, searching every outline. i started to cry walking across that dusty field, never looking away, knowing what i knew. he was somewhere, he would come, it's just that sometimes the waiting feels like it's breaking you right in two.

counting

today i counted my expenses, my earnings, my this and that. divorce paper financials. it's really just a business transaction now. you owe me this for all these years. but the real gains, the real losses don't show up on these sheets. don't have anything to do with raises and bonuses and credit card bills. but it's harder to explain these other things.

it's harder to put into lists and dollars the wisdom that comes with confusing what feels safe for what is healthy.

and i am not afraid anymore. not of falling in love, not of being destroyed, not of being with someone who can see the real me.

and just maybe things like fate and soulmates aren't just storybook sweets.

i need you so much closer

because it's hard with you so far away. because the days are long and it's not as fun to cook for one. because you said things that i believed and then the days turned to weeks and the oceans turned into worlds and you are a world away. and this month is getting me down. the yearly doctors appointments reminding me that i will never be like everyone else. the echocardiograms, the field vision tests, the secret patient world i am so good at slipping into. i don't like the way it feels to be me, there. i don't like the way it feels when the doctors tell me i am one of their youngest patients. i don't like the way it feels when they say i am lucky or unlucky or they sigh or touch my hand or make statements like 'wow you have certainly been through alot of this for someone your age'. i mean i don't know what i expect them to say. i meant hell it is quite a story. but i don't like the way it feels. i don't like the way i feel today. i don't like crying in a hospital bathroom alone after a series of arrythmias prompted further tests and the probe in my ribs doesn't feel good and the doctor moving my boob around to get a better "window" to my heart doesn't feel good and you are far away and that doesn't feel good and i am tired and i don't need an ultra sound machine or an ekg to tell me that my heart hurts today.

...

it's like learning how to love all over again. it's like watching the sun circling you. it's like ordering pudding and getting creme brulee.

liz phair, morning light, and dreams that you hope don't come true

it's true they were more like nightmares. more than nightmares. things that could come true. things he might say about me. i woke up screaming in a paper cup. because there is nothing to say. really. because no one can save me from this day. really.

because liz phair was talking about me when she sang those words, fuck and run.

because i put on my new balances, i stretched my quads and i am perched at the starting line and i am ready to go.

some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues.

life is messy. you say too much you hold back too long you can't get the time right. no matter how sure you feel someone will always think you are wrong. and it's the ups and downs. and it's the dusty skies. and it's the fire smolder, the sticky hands, the work meetings that start with thai food and end with you talking about pigeons with chicken feet in kazakhstan. it's all very.

i wouldn't ask you to listen. i won't plead my case. i don't even know if i care to see you again.

so i will write my promises on a bathroom wall. pledge my love and hope the right eyes read it. or i'll guns 'n roses your ass til i get it right.

because i have never felt so close. and i am ready to land from the fall.

chi-town

i love this city, this chicago. the deep dish pizzas, the 2 dollar drafts, the pretty parks, the jazz, lake michigan. i passed a night with an old college friend and we had so much fun we were mistaken for a couple. it's nice to have those kinds of laughs with that kind of person who gets who you are and where you have been. someone who speaks the language of ethnography and diane arbus and who knows who you mean when you refer to a girl named "manatee".

i have spent even more of my trip alone though. because i want to. because i remembered how much i need solitude sometimes. my second night here i found an indian restaurant in a new part of town. the spread was impressive. delicious. beautiful. i realized that at that moment not one person knew where i was and something about that made me feel lighter than i have felt in years. and i like to eat out alone. to people watch and to not share and to not care what anyone else is saying. and i like drinking coffee again. going to the gym each night (12 miles is pretty good for someone who was once not sure if she would ever walk without a cane again).

and i remembered things about myself again. like that my fear of athlete's foot is stronger than my love for steam rooms. and that i am not afraid of city streets and i'm not afraid of sleeping alone and i am not afraid to tell the truth and sometimes you have to learn to love even the worst you.

i leave for kazakhstan in less than a month. i leave for kazakhstan in 27 days. i leave for kazakhstan in 4 weekends and three days. and sometimes i can hardly breath to think about it. i haven't taken a chance, i haven't reached for a star, i haven't believed in these things in so so long. and i could use an adventure. and i could use a dream. and i want to be brave and i am becoming these things.

i am becoming the person i have always meant to be.