there are things that i had

things that i lost.
those days that turn into the longest days.

i am feeling a little fragile today.

don't be surprised if when you call my name i turn the other way.

this is not what i thought life would be. ivan said that to me a month or two before he took his life. i didn't know then how much that took away from him. so i didn't dissuade him. didn't give him a pep talk or some sunny story that was full of almosts and lies. instead i said i know. me too. i listened. and maybe there was more i now would do.

but i knew what he was saying. i know how that feels. this is not what i thought life would be.


but i don't want to leave. i know this is how i will grow. it's just that this is hard. this is hard. this is hard every single day. and i have to do it anyway.

so i am breathing in. trying to hold onto that light. trying to feel this body that i am in. trying to sit with my sadness and not let it sit ontop of me.

sometimes i do okay.

and this weekend was perfect. again. joe has taught me how to relax. how to be calm and comfortable doing nothing. just reading. making banana bread. hearing the sounds of spring. snuggling.

and it makes monday all that harder. leaving that safe warm place that is full and quiet and warm with him.

we are planning a trip to costa rica for the fall, after my lsats are taken and my law school applications are all turned in. we have finally found a way to keep on running without losing anything at all.