so this is the fight of my life. some days, these days. i have to psyche myself up just to get out of bed. cause for fucks sake you can't feel okay on a liquid diet. and i have to go forward with this. with this body i have been given with all its beauty and its breaks. and its pretty broken. my god. if only you had left me with a little more blood. a little more muscle. a little more courage. but this is what i have and i know i am lucky to even be here after all of that but when they told me i would never be the same i didn't know they meant i would never be the same. i miss my old body. i miss being able to run fast and far. i miss hiking. i miss ballet. i miss eating. i miss getting drunk. i miss living without all this stupid pain.
and i have to go on. my stomach might be like this for months and i have to get up each day and go to work and throw up on the bus and study for lsats and drink broth and gaterade and eat a quarter of a sandwich at a time. because i can't give up now. not after all of this. but i would be lying if i didn't say that some days i want to.
some days i want to say.
i surrender.
i give up.
i don't want to do this anymore.
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