peace

we have a tiny herb garden in our yard and two tomato plants. i have been reading alot and knitting again. this summer feels good and it hasn't even officially begun yet. i want to find some peace. picture our days dirty in our huge garden in our yard. i like where i am. i look forward to where we will soon be (whether its a cape cod winter or a maine life).

in december we are going to go to costa rica and do nothing but look at monkeys and sloths in the trees and drink iced tea. in the quiet.

i found out on thursday my aunt has melanoma. who knows how bad it is. i try to remember my friend who had a couple of melanoma's removed to no consequence and not that joe's dad died of this years ago.

and i also remember those first moments after my accident. when i was in the e.r. and they didn't know if i was going to live. in my terror and disbelief (as the nurses asked me if i wanted a priest to talk to) all i could think was "my god. so this is how it's gonna go down." after a life time of being afraid. afraid of cars and strangers and men on the streets it would be a night of dancing that would finally kill me.

and in some ways it was this weight lifting. like i don't have to worry about this anymore. like i have nothing left to be afraid of. like every breath i had was a blessing, a win, a feat worth celebrating because what could be counted on in the fight for your life.

and yes, i did that. i fought for my life. and i won.

and it was the scariest most beautiful thing that i would give anything to keep you from ever going through but i don't begrudge the battle because in the end i got the living.