seriously now,

what is going on up there. god? buddah? someone?

another high school memory gone. a main street face. a million laughs and memories to fill binders.

nate grazul. dead on sunday. the last time i saw him i was probably 20 years old. he made me moccasins himself with some take home kit. he had a crush on me and i was busy with my new-york-college-life.

and so time moves on.

and what the hell? an entire group of friends is dropping one. name. at. a. time.

four out of how many? and how many more?

it's funny because last night i dreamt ivan in the sweetest way. i don't remember much but that he was a part of me. like i had weaved him in so smoothly you couldn't find the seam. where i end. where he begins.

i sat on the t listening to jay z anthem-ize new york and in the meditative nothingness of my morning i realized how much i have changed. how much less afraid i am. how every day i am getting closer to living the life i meant to live all along.

and how it's nothing like i thought it would be. and how many faces i have lost. and how i don't actually need any of the things i thought i did and how the things i want are actually in my hands.