universe

so the universe is coming back into balance. josh is validating my dislike of him (who talks mean about their tiny adorable chihuahua) and i hate him so strong some moments i almost believe it was in fact he who killed ivan.

but he didn't.

and that's okay too. i read this book i had from grad school and it reminded me of things like that no one kills themselves for one single reason so it can't be one single person or actions fault. also that bad dreams and crying eyes are part of the process. and that you don't have to wear your sorrow like a vigil, a cloak, proof to the world that you miss his existence. and i do miss him so. but i am alive. and he chose to go. and i want to be here and happy. and so that is what i have to do.

and after the up all nights of nightmares joe talked me into calmer dreams. he brought me back down to the place i meant to be. like i was going to be okay living in my own skin.

and we played connect four and clue and ate onion dip and banana bread and watched the patriots lose and took turns on the exercise bike and he skated on the pond by my house and it was cold as shit but the fresh air felt good.

a weekend home with joe and jenckes and i feel in balance and okay again.