you

and really it was always you. and he holds me just right. and food tastes better. stories feel stronger. the good lasts longer when we are there together.

it was a vermont snowy day weekend. it snowed feet. it was cold as shit. but through that big hotel window it looked perfect and peaceful like little snowcones falling from the sky. we ate calzones and chicken wings and swam in an indoors pool. hot tub for two. it was quiet like i like it.

and it's a new year. and ivan's birthday was saturday only he was dead so he couldn't share. and he sent me a snow storm. and i scribbled notes to him on an old map. and he was close enough to haunt my dreams. i look forward to when the dreams turn nice.

(i hate all the screaming i do.)

so lets do some things. resolutions to remind me of the ways i have failed in years past. the ways i always fail. isn't that what the new year is about?

so...this year i promise to:
starve myself
ride a bike every time i touch a fattening food
be a better person
NO TV!
NO FUN!
do.do.do.

or no. let's be kind. let's look forward to new horizons. you can't go back and right those wrongs (no matter how many i times i dream it. no matter how many times my arms reach his before that trigger is pulled. no matter how loud i yell. no matter how fast i run. i will wake up. and i wake up. and he is gone.) so this year i resolve to:
1. bake bread
2. can my own jam
3. bbq
4. pickle things
5. sleep through the night and forgive the past like i forgive you