because it's hard with you so far away. because the days are long and it's not as fun to cook for one. because you said things that i believed and then the days turned to weeks and the oceans turned into worlds and you are a world away. and this month is getting me down. the yearly doctors appointments reminding me that i will never be like everyone else. the echocardiograms, the field vision tests, the secret patient world i am so good at slipping into. i don't like the way it feels to be me, there. i don't like the way it feels when the doctors tell me i am one of their youngest patients. i don't like the way it feels when they say i am lucky or unlucky or they sigh or touch my hand or make statements like 'wow you have certainly been through alot of this for someone your age'. i mean i don't know what i expect them to say. i meant hell it is quite a story. but i don't like the way it feels. i don't like the way i feel today. i don't like crying in a hospital bathroom alone after a series of arrythmias prompted further tests and the probe in my ribs doesn't feel good and the doctor moving my boob around to get a better "window" to my heart doesn't feel good and you are far away and that doesn't feel good and i am tired and i don't need an ultra sound machine or an ekg to tell me that my heart hurts today.
No comments:
Post a Comment