around the way girl

who says you can't escape. who says a change of space won't help you breath. who says dreams don't come true.

i am closing the gap. i am embracing my romantic notions. i am filling in oceans with postcards and plane rides. i am handing back my tether, i am handing over my what-ifs. i am learning to more than survive. i believe in this.

i am leaving for paris & travels in spain in two and a half weeks. it's close enough finally to feel real. to picture the hotel beds, to taste the food, to feel the air. i can't wait to just be away. to just breath. to walk streets that don't even know me. to drink, to eat, to dance. to sleep through the night. to wake up rested. to laugh. ohmygod. you wouldn't believe how we laugh. you wouldn't believe how light i feel when we do. you wouldn't believe how it makes me feel/reel/revel. and it will be just enough. just right. just.

and this time i am running towards something. i am not running away. i am not holding vigil. i am not waiting for the shoe to drop. and all i want is to journey. all i want is this journey. all i want is this chance. this hope. this feeling i have like no matter what happens, no matter who stays, i am going to be okay. it is all okay. and there is nothing to be afraid of. nothing i want to get away from. nothing to run away from. anymore.

let's get high

i am wearing my coffee-wings right now. i.feel.pumped.up. i found two tootsie rolls in the pocket of my dress. i listened to loud music on the train. i saw a guy almost hit a squirrel on my walk to the T. he saw my face, braked-hard, saved the little guy, gave me the thumbs up and laughed.

it's a i-know-what-i-want-so-be-it-or-leave-it sorta day.

my high school boyfriend used to say i was salty. i am feeling pretty salty today.

lost

there are things i had. things i lost. a bread machine. a pretty ring. a hand to open every single door for me. he never stopped. he never forgot me. he always made promises that he couldn't keep.

i have always believed. i have always held on.

but now, and lately. i am not sure what to hold on to.

you'd think that doing the papers would just be a formality. the next step on the to-do list. but i haven't slept well in two nights. i made lists of reasons in my head of why i should post-pone this evening. i started to cry listening to npr. the truth is that i am not convinced that i will ever find someone i can rely on like this ever again. oh i will have head spinning love. i will have adventures. i will have boys at my door, marriage proposals, all these stupid fantasys that i will only pretend i can believe in still. i will laugh away nights over enchiladas and chimachangas at the local spot. but i don't know if i will ever find someone to rely on like this again.

and then i think. fuck em all. at least i have me. and then i think. fuck them all. it's always been. and it will always be.

liz phair, morning light, and dreams that you hope don't come true

it's true they were more like nightmares. more than nightmares. things that could come true. things he might say about me. i woke up screaming in a paper cup. because there is nothing to say. really. because no one can save me from this day. really.

because liz phair was talking about me when she sang those words, fuck and run.

because i put on my new balances, i stretched my quads and i am perched at the starting line and i am ready to go.

Algorithms

If only there were algorithms for life. Some sort of guarantee. Some way of knowing how you will get there. Not that I would use them. Not that I believe in those kinds of anything. Not that I listen anyway.

Autumn is here. My nose is cold but I like wearing the sweaters. I like the staccato to the days.

These past months I have talked endlessly to my friends about love. The how-do-you-know. The can-you-be-happy. God knows I have not always had the kindest lovers. I have passed years with hands that only wanted to hurt me. Josh was the safety net after all of the turmoil. And I needed that net. And I loved that net. And it felt good to be held. To not have to give anything back. But I need more than a place to lay my head. I need more than a hand that locks the door behind me. After California I swore off any love that could ever fufill me... because I knew, then, how it feels when that love leaves. And I didn't think I could lose even one more thing.

But I need to survive. I need to more than survive. I want someone so completely for me they can tell me to stop, to start quicker, to quiet down. I want someone who can see me. Who I can tell anything too. Someone who will still be there for me. I am tired of living with one body and secreting my life in letters and text messages trying to find the words that i need.

Because all those years before that is what I did.

To not feel alone.

Some people, some "friends", some strangers act as though I am not trying. Like I should make it work. Like some vow made during broken times is worth living a life of loneliness. Quiet. Despair.

And it's not that I won't put in the time. I am not afraid of the commitment or the ways that love changes. But I married someone because they made me feel safe. Because he took me to the hospital and physical therapy and on wheelchair outings to the mall. Because he didn't seem to care about the medications and the crutches and the tired way I passed my days. We have been through it and I love him for that but I am not in love. I am not fufilled. I am not getting the wifely things that I would need to be happy today, tomorrow or five years from now. And I won't drag out the good-bye to say I tried hardest. And I won't spend my life resenting someone because they aren't the person I want them to be. And I won't make it work just to prove that I can.

Because I am not afraid and I would rather be destroyed than never feel happy.

And the streets of Kazakhstan and the streets of Central Square, they are full of faces who every day are making hard things work. Days spent running circles around circles praying to an unfair God for some break, some chance, something to take them away.

And I don't have to do that. And this is something I can change. And if everyone just made it work because they could there would be no revolutions. There would be no civil rights and there would be no walks on Washington.

You don't have to go along just because it's what the rest of them do.

And I will never walk that road just to be more like you.

some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues.

life is messy. you say too much you hold back too long you can't get the time right. no matter how sure you feel someone will always think you are wrong. and it's the ups and downs. and it's the dusty skies. and it's the fire smolder, the sticky hands, the work meetings that start with thai food and end with you talking about pigeons with chicken feet in kazakhstan. it's all very.

i wouldn't ask you to listen. i won't plead my case. i don't even know if i care to see you again.

so i will write my promises on a bathroom wall. pledge my love and hope the right eyes read it. or i'll guns 'n roses your ass til i get it right.

because i have never felt so close. and i am ready to land from the fall.

...

and she's taking taking taking taking taking off.

kazakhstan

tomorrow it's on. kazakhstan. free falling. really getting away.

i am mostly excited. i don't have any idea how it will be. i like the not knowing. i like having no expectations. there will be an alphabet i can't read, a language i can't understand, food i won't dare eat, and open arms, open space and new faces and all the things that i need.

i want to talk all night and sleep all day.

i want to fall in love with kittens and black eagles and with me.

i am going to fall in love with the moment. i am going to let it sweep me away.

because here. that girl at the housewarming party. that voice on the phone. that soon to be ex-in-law. that "friend" wearing her moral overcoat. they wear me out.

it.
wears.
me.
out.

depeche mode, the smiths, and a wednesday is not hump day here.

i have left lives behind before. i have been a million people. i have hated a million days.

but i wish i didn't have to do this day.

it's just that i am used to his shoes in the closet. it's just that i am used to drinking the coffee he has left on the counter for me. it's just that i am not used to sleeping in a house alone anymore. it's just that thunder scares me.

it's just that.

home

i woke up pissed. i hardly slept last night because i was so sick to my stomach i wanted to shoot myself in the face. now this is just an expression. but really if you could do one thing for me, one thing, i wouldn't even ask you to save my leg. fuck. i would just ask you to fix my belly. and these things go.

yeah i woke up pissed. just because. just because.

my respite it over. i am tired. there are belongings to be divided. i will miss the things i am giving up for real happiness. things like having someone who will do it for it no matter what. or someone to kick when you are down.

'cause i want to kick something. i want to hit something. i want to fuck it up and leave it broken.

or i already did. or i don't care what you think about me.

or how about some days, some mornings, some times i am sick of my body and the ways it reminds me of that day. or how about some mornings i want you to fix me and when you don't i hate you too. or how about some days i just don't care how i sound to you.