alone

i am alone in my office. i teach a financial fitness class every saturday this month to a group of women who make getting up on a saturday morning seem like a good idea. these women make me want to push through. sometimes it's not what you did or what you have its the people who surround you. i love these classes.

...

last night was not good. i made dinner, i set the table nice. i somehow believed that we would be the couple to defy all divorce story odds. we would stay friends. we would believe in eachother. we would be kind to ourselves, our pasts and eachother.

that was not the case.

we fought. he dissapointed me. i found myself mad when he said things that sounded like he was doing the right thing for himself finally (why can you do that now if you wouldn't do it the five years we were together and i begged you to) and mad when he said things that sounded like he was still making the same tired lethargic decisions (what will it take for you to hit rock bottom and just deal with your things). it's like no matter what he did i felt let down.

and also responsible. like i don't know if he can do it without me. and somehow that made me feel sad. like i was abandoning my own child. and i can't keep doing this for him. i can't keep righting his wrongs. i can't FIX THIS or FIX HIM or make him care or engage or change. but it made me feel bad/sad/helpless/.

so he left and i sat on a chair and i cried. and i didn't listen to anything. and i didn't say one word to anyone. because there is really nothing to say. just that it didn't work, i can't save him, and we definately can't be friends.